I just left you in our room in our bed after talking and singing you to sleep.
Even though your father and I done this every day for the past 21months of your life, I found it extremely hard to leave tonight. Tears streamed down my face and in my heart as I took one last look at you before I gently closed the bedroom door…
We started your life in a small house, were we never been so happy since you arrived.
We’d spend hours tickling you, singing along with you, laughing with you, and reading stories to you until you finally dozed off, sometimes with a smile on your face, and your little hands reaching out to either side of you touching us to make sure that your dad and I were still there.
My lovely son, it’s been almost two whole years of just the three of us – you, your dad, and I. We all have gotten so used to a specific routine every day that if something deviates slightly from it, we sometimes gets so uncomfortable. This makes me laugh so much because you definitely get that trait from me. You know what to do first thing after you wake up. You look at me, smile, and say “morning.”
You run around, we makes jokes and than put your “Haas and speentje” on the bed and we get dressed, and then we make breakfast and sit to eat together. You know when it’s time for a nap, you come to cuddle me and ask “mam, slapen?” Sometimes I forget what time it is, so you remind me. So I follow you to the room, and we giggle and play until you fall asleep. Now that I’m pregnant you know that I will rest next too you, so sometimes when I’m not that tired you also want me to lie down.
You know what time daddy comes home from work, and you eagerly wait for him, busy waving at him through the window. That always makes your day. You know when you’re favorite auntie or uncle comes over by seeing their car and shouting their names.
Even when auntie Yavvie comes over you ask about “Noah” because the familiydog is your best friend. You even have your own toys there, and you know exactly where to find them and how to put them away. You have your own hiding spots for everything. You know when it’s time for play and when it’s time to clean up. And you know when it’s time for bed.
You are growing up so much so fast, and you are learning just as much as you are growing. You know a lot of things even that there is a baby in moms belly, but what you don’t know and realize is that in just a few months, your whole life is going to change, and our little everyday routine won’t be the same anymore. And that is what breaks my heart.
Because, you see, even though this pregnancy was planned, I don’t know if I’m ready to accept the fact that our relationship will change. As soon as you turned one, daddy and I knew that we wanted to give you a little brother or sister, and because it is not an easy journey for us we started soon with again an ivf. And after almost a year we saw on the echos a little sibling for you. We were so thrilled because We wanted to give you a little brother or sister in age for you to build a strong sibling bond with. I didn’t have that, so I wanted you to experience it. And by God’s will, we learned that He’d blessed us with an good pregnancy will only be two years and a couple of weeks difference with you.
And even though you point to my stomach and kiss it every time we ask you “where’s baby?” you have no idea what is to come. You have no idea what it means, no idea what it holds, no idea of the kind of world that awaits you as soon as this baby arrives.
It’s Happiness and sad for me in a lot of ways. Due to medical concerns, I was told by a doctor several years ago that there was a possibility I wouldn’t be able to conceive, and if I did, there would be at least a 75% chance. It was such a scary thought, because of my own adoption I really wanted an “legacy of my own” but it never made me seriously consider adoption instead. But things eventually changed, because we; your dad and I never gave up, never gave up our hope in our Lord. He gave me you…so perfect and so healthy inside and out, so loving, so caring and so happy.
You have made me the mother I never thought I could be, both literally and figuratively. You have taught me so much and continue to do so on a daily basis. This pregnancy has been difficult, and I know that I haven’t been as good and present of a mother as I should be to you because of my complications the past months, but it will soon all be over. I am just so happy that you will have someone to grow with.
And somewhere in my heart there is a tone of sadness. For the past two years, you have been my little buddy, my companion. You have been the reason my heart swells with love each and every day…but also you teached me hard lessons by your wisdom, you have thought me the way I was raised wasn’t that good for me. I’m hurt in a lot of ways and you are my reflection in that.
But after the baby comes, things will be different. I will be even more tired than I am now at first, and there will be times I will have to turn your happy, bubbly mood down. I will be shattered as I see the confused look on your face as it happens. But I want you to know that even though my attention will be divided, my love for you will not.
You have been so patient with me throughout this long journey, even though you struggled to understand why I could no longer pick you up and hold you or why I could no longer keep up with your active little self. You remain patient and loving.
And this is why tonight was so hard to leave your after you fell asleep as all these thoughts and emotions hit me all at once like a ton of bricks. I knew it was coming, but how could I have prepared myself for such a thing?
And I miss it already, I will miss our one on one time. I will miss it when it was just us. I will miss it when you were my only. But I know that after the baby arrives , you will be so loving towards it. You will be so open and welcoming. You will be so curious and want to hold it.
A lot of people else thinks you’re going to get jealous, they downgrade you already but I know you better. Sure, there will be times when you’re both older that you will fight over toys and everything else. That’s normal. But you have so much love within you, and you will be everything that your little sibling needs in a big brother. You will be the teacher, helper, protector, guidance, friend.
And it is going to make my heart so happy to watch the both of you grow up together, making beautiful memories, and having fun along the way.
But you are my first born, and you will always have a special place in my heart.
As a new chapter in our lives gets ready to begin, I prep myself to say goodbye to what has been the norm for us for a long time now. I want to make this transition as easy as possible for you, and I hope you take well to it.
But for now, and until the baby arrives, I’m going to spend these last few months soaking in every bit of you and cherishing every moment. Every smile. Every hug. Every laugh. Every whine and cry, even. The hand you give me to hold every night will be the same hand I will hold for the rest of my life, and when the time comes that it’s no longer “just us,” I want you to remember… I loved you first, You are my firstborn!
And I will always love you my precious, lovely and caring son❤️
Hug and kisses your mommy